The Garden of Healing

It has been many years since I left that abusive relationship. I have spent years in counseling, years beating myself up. Years, repeating their voice in my own head, in my own voice. 

The sad thing is, as a child we are told "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me."

That is a lie.. word can break you down and make you a shell of the person you were before. 
They can haunt you. 

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't something that happens instantly. It is a long, slow, drawn out process. It starts off simple, a sly, seaming innocent comment here and there, then more and more and before you know it.. 

You are a boiled Frog 🐸

But the story doesn't have to end there, there is hope and healing! The voices that run around in your head all willy-nilly, like a hamster on a wheel, they can be quietened, the lies can be exposed, healing can take place.

Navigating the landscape of the mind is much like tending to a garden. Just as a gardener nurtures plants, we must cultivate positive thoughts, prune away negativity, and ensure the soil of the mind is rich with self-care. Like flowers need sunlight, our minds thrive on positivity, and by weeding out negativity, we allow the beautiful blooms of our potential to flourish. It's a mindful cultivation, a journey where the seeds of self-reflection grow into the vibrant garden of personal growth.

As your Transformation Coach, together we can work toward, pulling out the weeds of limiting beliefs and lies that have taken root in your mind. Cultivating a new perspective, allowing you to flourish and discover your genuine, authentic self. 

Until next time. Be kind to yourself! Practice self-care and don't let someone else define you.

ML

Who am I?

 

I am Mary Lee. 

I am a Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Daughter, friend, and survivor. 
Oh and I love to garden..
 

This is me back when I was sweet!! Mister Rogers was my best friend and sang about me on his show...

" Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a dream.”

This me, has no idea where life is going to take her. If I had a magic reset button and could go back.. (but then I wouldn’t have my beautiful babies)

This beautiful woman, this is the woman that is in a pot of hot water, she doesn’t know it yet, but its going to get hotter and hotter…

When you see this woman, when you look in her eyes, can you feel the boiling water all around her?

The end is near….

This woman, well she is fighting, for her existence.
She is fighting her demons.

Depression SUCKS!!
Hating yourself Sucks!!

This woman, her worst enemies are the voices in her own head.

The woman today that is writing this.. Well, I need a new picture.. 

When I was going through my pictures to share..  looking back through the years, and remember where I was..
I did blamed myself, it was my fault..
IF I had been stronger.
If.. If.. If..
I literally hated the reflection looking back at me with a passion so deep.. She allowed this!!

No, she was a survivor, and she did what she had to do to survive. She did the best she could, and she deserves love and compassion.
I can't wait for you to get to know her.. I think you will love her just like I do. ! 

I thought I would share 1 more picture.. 

This was taken a few years ago. 
I was trying to work on my self-esteem and thought being a pin-up model would help.. 
What helped the most was the wonderful, beautiful women that I met along the way!! 

When you have a group of women like I do, building you up!! Nothing can stop you!! 

It’s me again, your favorite Boiled Frog..🐸🐸

It’s me again, your favorite Boiled Frog..🐸🐸

I am trying to build up my own self-worth, so if you will just humor me lol.

I have often wondered does the Narcissistic person KNOW that what they are doing is wrong.

I mean why would you purposefully want to hurt, harm, break down to nothing the very person you claim to love?? Take away their very heart and soul and leave them an empty shell, that they think only you can fill??

I have told several people over time, “IF this is LOVE!! Please HATE me!!

Part of the slowing cranking up the heat was ‘gaslighting’ one of mine was isolation.

It started right after the honeymoon, “They don’t have to go anymore” was first conversation the first Sunday morning after coming home. “Dad doesn’t go with Mom” so… oh… and where I wanted to go to church was so far away... (15 miles) we don’t have the money for gas.

We don’t have the money for gas would slowly become a normal reply especially when it came to going to my neck of the woods (again 15 miles) but lol Walmart was 13 miles away and work was a few miles further.  

You know sadly we would drive all over the place (50+ miles) to look at something that was interesting to them…. HUMMMMMM 🚩🚩🚩

It wasn’t just the distance and gas. It was also just excuses after excuses.

After any holiday, I would get a new excuse to why we could easily go to their parents’ house, but I had to go alone to my parents’ house. They would ride home with their sister.

I would make excuses to my family when they asked where they were at. OH, they didn’t feel well, they stayed to help their dad do something… They this that and the other… lies and excuses I am guilty of telling to protect them for almost 17 years.

How do you tell your family... This person just doesn’t want anything to do with you.

It wasn’t just family, they didn’t like my friends either, my high school friend was not allowed to come over to our house, and of my 3 college friends, they only allowed one of them over, (the pretty thin blonde). Now, I was allowed, YES ALLOWED, to hang out with the other 2 friends but only if…. (WINK WINK)

(WINK,WINK) was something that I learned fast... If I wanted to do something they didn’t want to do or needed money… WINK, WINK and maybe……. 

When I met my bestest friend in the whole wild world, I was not allowed to talk to her, they did not like her. I was not allowed to even speak her name… This was one area that I was very defiant, not that they knew it.

When I needed to talk to her, I would go in the bathroom, turn on the water, play music, pretend to shower, or go to the bathroom and talk... not long but just long enough to say what we needed to say. SO much to the point that after I was out of the relationship when she calls me, I have to go potty… (It’s a joke now)

There is more, much more. This is just the beginning...

Until next time. Be kind to yourself! Practice self-care and don't let someone else define you.

 

ML 

My Life as a Boiled Frog

Where to start? .. I could start in the beginning, but I really didn't know what was beginning for me until the end.

 I'll start with the title, "My Life as a Boiled Frog".

 

The relationship was over, and I found myself filling out paperwork to get me and my children on food stamps and state aid. They asked me to fill out some papers and that is when I found I had 3 pages of abuse, and they referred me to get counselling at the local psychiatric hospital for help. I remember the lady asking me lots of questions and explaining things to me, and I asked her "How did I get here??" She then explained about the boiled frog.

 

If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But, if you place the frog in cold water and slowly turn the heat up, it will acclimate itself to the slowly rising temperature until it is to late and be boiled to death.  I was a boiled frog.

 

In the beginning, it was holding hands, being a gentleman and going to family gatherings, Church on Sunday's and occasionally on Wednesdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

There were a few red flags, but I ignored them. I was in love, and love conquers all right?

 

One red flag, I started planning a church wedding with friends and family, and he said he wouldn't show up. So, it got downsized to just family and, in my uncle’s, back yard with him officiating. After the wedding on the way to the "honeymoon", it was brought up to me that I had too much family there. My Uncle that married us, his family was there, and my dad’s twin brother’s family was there, cousins that I considered my brothers and Sister (My maid of honor) and my grandparents.

 

The day we came home from our weekend honeymoon, I got up Sunday morning getting ready to go to Church and said something to him about it and he said He didn't have to go with me anymore. In fact, that was the beginning of he didn't have to go anywhere with me anymore.

 

Fun fact, many years later after we had children, I was in the little mom & pop grocery store that I had been going to from the beginning of our marriage, chatting with one of the owners, and it was brought up who I was married to. She looked at me and questioned the name again and said she didn't even know he was married, and she had known him and his family since before he was born.  At that time, I am guessing we had been married 5 to 6 years.

 

So, why am I writing about my life as a boiled frog? Because after years of beating myself up, years of counselling, and a recent run in my Montelukast (Don't take if you are depressed)

I am starting a new chapter; I will not be defined by someone else's beliefs of who I am. I am tired of limiting myself. I am discarding the label of dumb, fat, stupid, ugly, B**.

 

I'm tired!!

 

You know back in the 80's, I knew of Narcissus and how Buttercup got its name. It would not be until the early 2000's that I would find out the rest of the story as legendary Paul Harvey would say.

 

Until next time. Be kind to yourself! Practice self-care and don't let someone else define you.

 

ML